Ambushed by Grace: An Interview with Shelly Beach

In “Five Reasons to Unleashed the Servant Writer in You,” I suggested that tragedy, pain, or discouragement don’t have to be wasted years or detours.  They can be a source of hope and encouragement because these experiences give us the empathy and love to serve others who are experiencing similar circumstances.  That’s exactly what Shelly Beach has done with her latest book, Ambushed by Grace.  Writing from her own experience as a caregiver for parents with Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s in her home, Shelly has written a practical book of hope and encouragement for those on the caregiving journey, a journey that can be laden with fear, anger, exhaustion, confusion, and every emotion imaginable.

I’m thrilled to bring you this exclusive interview with Shelly Beach, a kindred spirit who models for us the discipline of writing to serve — to bless others with the story and life experiences God has entrusted with us.  May this conversation inspire you to pick up her book and use it as a roadmap for the one you can write one day and as the perfect gift for the weary caregiver in your life.

“I did not expect caregiving to strip me down and reveal my motives, my passions, my agendas, and my priorities.  I did not expect it to pin me to the mat in a spiritual wrestling match, sweaty and writhing, until I saw for the first time what it meant to live like Jesus — to selflessly, passionately pour life into life without regard for self.”   ~ Shelly Beach, Ambushed by Grace

Your first book on the topic of caregiving was Precious Lord, Take My Hand: Meditations for Caregivers. How is this book different from that one, and why did you see a need to write a second book on caregiving?

Precious Lord is a book of meditations or devotionals based on common experiences often shared by caregivers. The stories of my family caregiving provide the touchstone for readers’ own struggles and victories, sorrows and joys, always reminding them of God’s sufficiency in our deepest need.

Ambushed by Grace is arranged around some of the tough topics in caregiving, topics that are so important to address — family forgiveness, grace, building healthy boundaries, how to maintain joy, to name a few. But the book is also rich with practical appendices: how to approach the sticky situation of driving, tips for long-distance caregiving, suggestions for interacting with those with dementias, and a list of vital information to begin gathering before crisis strikes your family. Ambushed is even structured in such a way that it can be used as a small group or Sunday school class study guide.

Most authors draw from the experiences of their lives. How is Ambushed by Grace rooted in the experiences of your life, and how did you grow as you wrote it?

The title of Ambushed by Grace couldn’t any more clearly describe my experience with caregiving. I thought caregiving was going to be about a timeline and about taking care of people and that along the way, they would change with the passing of time and the aging process. But God used caregiving to change my heart — he ambushed me and taught me how to forgive people I didn’t think I had the power to forgive. He taught me to release situations to him that I couldn’t control. He taught me the power of becoming a grace-dumper instead of a grace-hoarder. As I wrote the book, I discovered that God’s richest blessings typically come when we’re forced to throw up our hands and rely fully and totally upon him.

God used caregiving to change my heart — he ambushed me and taught me how to forgive people I didn’t think I had the power to forgive…

In the first chapter of your book you challenge readers with the thought that caregiving often gives us the opportunity to love someone better whom we’ve struggled to love in the past and that caregiving is often about redemption. Explain what you mean.

Caregiving is an opportunity to reflect the character of Jesus in our lives and to abandon ourselves to spiritual awakening as God’s power is exhibited through our weakness. As we lay down expectations of fairness, expect stress, and crawl onto the altar of sacrifice, God begins to do his work in our hearts, changing our attitudes, our passions, and our love for others. As this happens, we often gain a new passion for our loved ones.

You tell a story in the book about an artesian well and draw a parallel to driving a pipe deeply into the character of God. How does resting in the character of God relate to caregiving?

Trusting in the character of God means resting in him. As I learn to love him because of who he is, my love for others gushes from my life as a byproduct of my love for him. As I love God with my heart, will, mind, and emotions, my actions follow. I begin to love my neighbor as myself. Loving God more fully by driving a pipe like an artesian well into the source of is character and love fills me with joy and the true caregiver God intended me to be.

One of your chapters is about the power of story. How can sharing stories play an important role in relationships and in caregiving?

God’s relationship with humanity has been played out in a story from the dawn of creation. Our stories show how we have been transformed and shaped into who we are today. We can all point to key turning points — events, circumstances, tragedies, betrayals, sorrows, triumphs, celebrations —  that changed the course of our lives. Understanding what has shaped and molded those we care for can help us to forgive, to bestow grace, to love better and more fully, and to see our loved ones as Jesus sees them.

One of the most important issues that comes up in families is the issue of forgiveness. What suggestion does Ambushed offer on the issue of forgiveness, especially among family members?

• First, recognize that forgiveness is hard, but it’s the only path to freedom. Forgiveness frees us to be the person God intended us to be. Secondly, it frees us from bondage to the person we’ve been unable to forgive.
• Understand that the foundation for forgiveness is gratitude for God’s abundant mercy. It begins with looking at ourselves first, with a commitment to confession and repentance as a lifestyle. As a lifestyle, forgiveness involves a daily “putting on” and “taking off” of sinful attitudes and  worldly rationalizations, self-centered desires, and distorted motives.
• Acknowledge that forgiveness sometimes means laying down what someone else may owe us and doing the hard work of not picking it up again.
• Recognize that forgiveness does not mean abandoning healthy, biblical boundaries. It does not mean allowing people to abuse us. Instead, it allows us to make healthy, responsible choices.
• Walk in the truth that forgiveness does not deny wrong actions or deny us the opportunity to grieve what’s hurt us. Acknowledge the pain the hurt; tell God how you feel; grieve the loss. Understand that hurt may last for a long time, but that as you gain God’s perspective, your perspective will change.
• Make a choice to forgive every aspect of whatever offenses God brings to mind, leaving judgment to God while you pray for the Holy Spirit’s healing.
• Understand that forgiveness does not mean attempting to divert the consequences of sin for those who have sinned against us. Consequences are often intended to be God’s spiritual training ground for our bad choices.
• Recognize that a lifestyle of forgiveness is a day-by-day experience. Ephesians 4:31-32 describes the continual “taking off and putting on” of our walk of faith:  Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

What challenges have you experinced on your caregiving journey?  Share your thoughts and questions at the end of this interview.  We would love to hear from you.

One of your chapters deals with taming the tongue and what you call the “Marie Principle,” based on the character of the meddling mother-in-law, Marie Barone, from the TV show, Everybody Loves Raymond. Family communication can get complicated. Can you explain the “Marie Principle” in a few brief words?

The Marie Principle can be summarized in four words: Life revolves around me. And when I don’t get my way, I often resort to resentment, martyrdom, withdrawal, manipulation, resignation, or rationalization of behaviors and attitudes that don’t glorify God. We need to be in a continual state of evaluation of our internal messages, of our motives, and of our goals: are they consistent with Scripture?

Focusing on the MARIE Principle is commitment to

Magnifying God

Appreciating others and our blessings

Reinforcing biblical truth

Intercepting negativity and self-talk inconsistent with Scripture

Evaluating our motives

In your book, you compare caregiving to pulling out the family refrigerator and finding all the parent-sibling gunk, goo, and accumulated dust bunnies exposed for all the world to see. Can you talk a bit about dealing with true guilt and false guilt?

a. Is the source of my guilt from a sinful action or attitude I’m responsible for?

b. Have I violated a principle or command of Scripture in my conduct or attitude?

c. Is the source of my guilt from an unrealistic expectation or perfectionism?

d. Is the source of my guilt the condemning attitude of others?

e. Is the source of my guilt self-condemnation?

f. Is the source of my guilt the accusing voice of Satan?

g. Am I relying on my works of service for others to gain the approval of others?

h. Am I capable of fulfilling all the demands or responsibilities placed upon me by others?

i. Am I willing to rest in the knowledge that I’m asked to earnestly content, yet rest, knowing that my sufficiency in all things is in God (Jude 24)?

j. Am I capable of seeing myself as beloved in the Father, embraced and adored, in spite of my performance?

One of your chapters deals with the complexities and the necessity of boundaries in caregiving situations. Can you summarize the key elements of healthy boundary-setting?

Dr. John Townsend offers a number of key questions:  The life of the care receiver must be considered. What are they capable of? What can they be held responsible for? The goal is to make people responsible for what they are capable of and to move them out of their comfort zone but to keep them within their ability zone. Second, the shared expectations of the household should apply to everyone as much as possible and should be discussed and possibly even written out. Third, allow maximum freedom for the individual being cared for, depending on their level of responsibility.

Building blocks to boundary setting

i. Preserving autonomy as long as possible (Genesis 2:16-17).

ii. Implementing negotiation (Genesis 18), such as the PAUSE Principle, developed by author Ken Sande in his book The Peacemaker:

1. Prepare and pray (get the facts, counsel, seek options)

2. Affirm relationships and respect others

3. Understand interests and identify with others’ concerns, desires, needs, limitations, and fears

4. Search for creative solutions

5. Evaluate options objectively and reasonably

iii. Exercising respect (Leviticus 19:32)

iv. Listening (James 1:19)

v. Commitment to honesty (Psalms 15:1-5)

vi. Understanding expectations and consequences (Galatians 6:7-8)

Your chapter “Swapping Thimbles for a Mack Truck” is about learning to pour out grace. How does this apply to the life of the caregiver?

Grace sees past our faults, beyond the surface of who we are to who God intends us to be. Grace says, “I know who I am, and because of that, I’m empowered to see who God intended you to be. I’m empowered to freely give and to forgive.”

 Can you summarize Jesus’ lessons for long-haul caregiving? 

a. Jesus drew strength from knowing he was the Son of God.

b. Jesus spent time alone in prayer.

c. Jesus spent time with his closest friends in prayer.

d. Jesus publicly gave thanks and reflected glory back to God.

e. Jesus knew his confidence was in God, and he faced crisis with calm assurance.

f. Jesus grieved the loss of those he loved with eternal perspective.

How can the appendices in this book assist caregivers?

I often tell people that the appendices in this book alone are worth the investment of the purchase. I’ve tried to be as practical as possible by providing tools that target some of the most basic issues in caregiving: Should a parent move in with you? How do you deal with the difficult issue of diminished driving ability? Are there any suggestions for providing long-distance care for our loved ones? What websites and agencies can be beneficial me in areas of law, accreditation and reporting of care facilities, Social Security, hospice, and medical problems? What information and documentation should I be gathering as my parents age, and how do I encourage them to see that certain types of documentation and preparation are critical in order to honor their desires?

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Selected material from Ambushed By Grace, ©2008 by Shelly Beach . Used by permission of Discovery House Publishers, Box 3566, Grand Rapids, MI 4950l.  All rights reserved.

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We would love to continue this conversation with you.  Leave a note below and share your thoughts and questions — you may win a copy of Shelly’s book.    We will announce winners here and via email at the end of May and in the month of June.

Shelly Beach is a freelance writer, public speaker, and author of Precious Lord, Take My Hand: Meditations for Caregivers and 2008 Christy Award-winning novel, Hallie’s Heart.  She is the founder of the Cedar Falls Christian Writers’ Workshop in Cedar Falls, Iowa.  Visit Shelly’s website and blog and get to know this dynamic lady who  loves to share with her readers her ”passion for Illuminating truth through the power of story – the truth that Jesus Christ gives purpose and meaning to all that we do and all that we are.”